Tired of our own bullshit.
“I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit”
- Elizabeth Gilbert
As women, we go through constant changes that we may not be paying attention to. We are nurturers, caregivers, and most awesome multi-taskers. Because, let’s face it, we are responsible for keeping many moving parts forward on a daily basis. The one thing we neglect the most is (you guessed it) ourselves. So counterintuitive.
By the time we realize, “oh shit, I have no idea who I am,” we can be so far down the rabbit hole we don’t even know which way is up. And then what? Climb out, ignore it, pretend all is right?
For me, this happened when I was 59. I had just signed my divorce papers. I had been working with my ex throughout our marriage and the 7 years we were separated. One month after the divorce was finalized, I knew working together was not going to work for me. So, I closed my computer and walked out of our office.
No job. No man. No direction. It was too much to deal with. I allowed myself a year to wallow. With a couple exceptions. I went to Bali, and after 15 years of being a devoted yoga student, I decided to get my yoga teaching certification. I did not have any intention of becoming a yoga teacher, but I needed some direction, and the teacher training held me accountable and kept me grounded. Honestly, all I wanted to do was crawl into a cave.
I sat and reflected on questions of who am I? and what do I want my life to look like? and I can honestly say I HAD NO IDEA. Scary, right? I spent all my life doing and being for others. A dutiful daughter, a wife (three times), an ex-wife (three times), a business partner, and most importantly a mother. Let’s face it, we can spend our entire lives living in that mother role.
Even though I didn’t know who or what I wanted to be, I knew that living vicariously through my kids was a pitfall I was choosing to avoid. I knew I wanted to live my own fulfilled life. I knew I wanted healthy relationships with my kids. And I knew I wanted them to be proud of me, not feel sorry for me.
Who is Barb? She is a work in progress. She is honoring the bumps and bruises, uncovering layer by layer to get to the pearl buried deep.
Here’s what I know for sure. I love being a mom and I will always be a mom. If and when they need me, I will be there. All of my experiences have contributed to the woman I am today. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. If I don’t consciously choose to live my life, before I know it, it will be over. The years fly by and I refuse to waste them. I embrace who I am and where I’m going. I am choosing to live my full expression of who I am, bringing forth my radiance, essence, and inner beauty every day.
This is not just my story. This is every woman’s story. The names and circumstances change, but the crossroads are there for us all.
Life is a journey. The journey never ends. And the best is yet to come.
