DAD
We’ve all heard the quote, “when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” While sage advice, sometimes that advice is hard to swallow. The bitter taste and tartness can linger. Until, maybe, you have the chance to sit and reflect.
Okay, you might need a little backstory first…here goes:
My youngest daughter for a long time was convinced there were ethnicities other than Italian in our family tree. Knowing nothing of my father’s side of the family, I couldn’t say for sure. So when Ancestry was running a promotion, I took the bait and purchased a kit. I fully expected the results to be a “I told you so” kind of moment; “see Rach I told you I was Italian!” Imagine my surprise when the results showed I am 65% Italian, 30% Greek, and 5% German. Greek! Well how cool is that! Granted Italy and Greece might not be much of a stretch; both are surrounded by water, so traveling by boat the ancestors met and had babies and there you go. I shared the information with my kids and a few close to me, put it on the back burner and went back to life.
About a week later, I got an email from someone who had also done a test. She was looking for a distant cousin and wondered if I had any information. I answered her question and off I went.
I then realized I had messages from a woman that I knew immediately was a much closer relative. You see, I didn’t have a relationship with my father. He and my mom split when I was probably a toddler and from then to the age of about 25, I can count on my hands the number of times I saw him. Even as a young child I knew that there was a deep love between my parents and I had always hoped they would rekindle. I also knew he had another whole family that he lived with, which included a daughter. So when I read the messages, I knew who she was. I responded, we chatted, and she sounded like a lovely person and I have no doubt we will be friends and develop a sister bond. Finally, I had some point of reference to my father, I had someone I could ask questions about health history, what he liked, and anything else that pops up. Cool right? Yes, eventually.
While we were on the phone an unexpected overwhelming sense of grief ripped me apart. I cried like I have never cried. I cried for the love, support, and attention I never received from him. I cried for all the parties involved and for all the pain experienced. I cried for how much harder my mom’s life was, how much harder my life was. I cried for all the years I thought him a weak man and I cried for how angry I was at him for being so weak. I had spent many years processing my anger towards him, and accepted long ago that he did the best he could. But the sadness, pain, and grief…wow, I didn’t expect that. I quickly realized that these feelings (unbeknownst to me) have affected every aspect of my life; every thought about myself, what I deserve, my worth, every relationship with partners, my kids, my ability to trust (ha that’s a joke) to believe, and feel safe. I never experienced a loving interaction between a man and a woman, a mom and dad. So me being a resourceful girl, I made up my own story of how it should look and guess what - it NEVER looked like my story. Quite the opposite.
I could go on and on but this is not where I choose to dwell. This week has shown me where some of my deepest wounds are buried. Now it’s up to me to heal, hold, love, and befriend the pain. I get to integrate these shadows with my light and should I ever be blessed to be in a happy, healthy relationship, may I bring my very best self. This has been my greatest wish and I now know without this week it would have been harder because these wounds would have presented in some other mysterious way. Hopefully I’ll be carrying a little less baggage, traveling a little lighter and open to this joyful life I get to create.
Given this Full Moon and Lunar Eclipse and what it’s asking of us, it feels like I have been given the biggest Divine Gift! Thank you, Dad! I wish we were able to have a relationship in this lifetime. That’s not going to be my focus though. My focus is on loving myself and others deeper, healing my heart, and enjoying my newfound family.
Imposter Syndrome, by any other name…..
It’s been said that we teach what we most need to learn. Well if that’s true I should probably teach a collegiate level course in overcoming Imposter Syndrome. I know I’m far from the only one who feels bogged down by this; in fact, Imposter Syndrome is kind of trendy, for lack of a better word. If it’s so common, why has no one figured out how to fix it yet? And why does it constantly interfere with my abilities to create the life I desire?
Maybe I should backtrack, go back to basics. Here’s a definition of Imposter Syndrome: “the condition of feeling anxious and not experiencing success internally, despite being high-performing in external, objective ways.” This condition often results in people feeling like a fraud or a phony, and doubting their abilities. On further exploration I came to find that there are five kinds of imposter syndrome personalities. Now, to figure out which imposter syndrome personality I have. Yikes.
Let’s see…there’s the perfectionist. That tracks; double Virgo here! Perfection is kind of my middle name. The natural genius is next. That one definitely doesn’t fit. I’m not worried about being a genius and I definitely don’t think I judge myself by exacting standards. The rugged individualist…nope, I’m okay asking for help, in fact I love being part of a highly functioning team. Moving on to the expert…again no, I realize I am constantly learning and growing and I actually really value the learning and growing process. The final personality type is the superhero. No, I’ll leave that for Marvel.
Now I’m really going to go down this rabbit hole so why not come along for the ride with me? Let’s explore some characteristics
An inability to realistically assess competence and skill
Attributing success to external factors
Berating performance
Fear of not living up to expectations (usually one’s own more so than anyone else’s)
Overachieving
Self sabotaging success
Self-doubt
Setting unrealistic goal and then feeling disappointed when not reached
Show of hands - who has not displayed at least one of these characteristics, let’s say today?
So why is this such a phenomenon? Like I said, it seems to be fairly common. A quick Google search taught me that an estimated 70% of people are likely to experience at least one episode of Imposter Syndrome at some point in their life. Or more likely, struggle with it for a lifetime!
(Surprise, surprise), research suggests that upbringing and family dynamics can play a role. Specifically, parenting styles viewed as controlling or over-protective may contribute to the development of Imposter Syndrome in kids. Growing up in a house with high levels of conflict and low levels of support may be an indicator of future Imposter Syndrome related challenges. Geez, another way in which my shitty upbringing has continued to fuck me up. Now, I’m reflecting on the mom I was and wondering if my parenting has impacted my kids just as my upbringing impacted me? Oh, that’s just not something I want to look at right now. We’ll save the generational trauma conversation for another time. I digress.
Personality can play a part, as well as new opportunities. Well that just about covers all of life. Upbringing, personality, and doing new things. What’s left? Selling coconuts on a beach in Hawaii sounds pretty perfect. It seems hard to suffer from Imposter Syndrome cracking a big nut open for its juice. Unless of course your buddy down the way a bit does it better, faster, cooler than you…
What’s left when not even the simplest and easiest living is impervious to the dreaded Imposter Syndrome?!
It almost seems like striving for growth, learning new things, and trying new experiences is a recipe for disaster. But the alternative, staying stuck and stagnant, just seems so counterintuitive to what life is all about. I absolutely don’t buy that feelings of doubt, fears of being wrong or just plain crazy never entered some of the greatest minds that this world has ever known, yet they persevered. Why, and how, were they not discouraged? They didn’t give up even after failure and because of that perseverance, will ultimately be remembered until the end of time for the beauty they created, the mind blowing contributions they left behind.
I don’t know if we need to give everything a name. After all, doesn’t giving it a name give it more weight than it deserves? Can’t it just be the uncertainty of the unknown? At what point did common, everyday knocks to self esteem like not making the soccer team or failing a math test become a Syndrome-inducing experience? So, this begs the question: as a society, teachers, parents, caregivers, anyone coming in contact with another, do we need to be doing more to build up confidence, self worth, and resiliency? Seems to me, the answer is an emphatic YES.
When I think about how many times encouragement, positive words or discussions on what I was feeling might have actually helped, I can clearly see where and when I was slimed by the dreaded Syndrome. There is no blame or judgment; I have a sense of awareness and understanding for myself and perceived flaws, and this gives me a starting place to make some changes.
Believing success is out of your grasp, or when all is perfect you’ll be good enough, or when you are no longer anxious, insecure, stressed, tense or feel like an outsider, then it will happen, whatever it is…none of this shit is constructive. But it is an invitation to take a look at ourselves and our deepest held beliefs. It’s an invitation to ask the tough questions like, do I believe I am worthy and deserving just as I am?
All the answers lie within. When issues come up, we must let them come up and out. Talk to a confidant, journal, question your beliefs and ask “Am I willing to look at this differently?” A shift in perspective can create huge change. After all, thoughts become things. Change the thoughts and you're on your way to creating new beliefs, which create new actions. It seems to me that many have overcome their fears and doubts, so why can’t you or I? I believe we can. One baby step at a time. One question at a time. One feeling at a time. A desire for change is a great place to start. So here goes….I’ll keep you posted on my success!!!!
Source Verywell mind Article by Arlin Cuncicg
Inspiration by Mike Dooley
When “I’m sorry, I was wrong” isn’t enough.
My oldest son’s birthday was last week. We’ve had a strained relationship for a long time. It’s been painful, yet filled with pearls of wisdom and, of course, growth. I’ll be the first to admit I’ve made poor choices and mistakes that have lead to some of my darkest days, sitting in my shadows (of which there are many) crying, going over the “what ifs” and the “should haves.” And most of the time I feel like I’ve come out the other side. I’ve come to realize that sometimes the “I’m sorry” or the “I was wrong” isn’t enough, because the other party may not see the value in those statements, or maybe even in the relationship. They can’t (or choose not to) see that maybe the moving forward is worth more than putting someone in the proverbial penalty box for an indeterminate amount of time.
I’ve been in my son’s penalty box for quite a while now. I don’t think there was any one conversation or misunderstanding that landed me here. It’s been a slow build, a series of miscommunications, mistakes, missed opportunities. Too much went unsaid, undiscussed. The distance between us had time to flourish and grow in the days when it seemed easier to just let it go, to tip toe around tough conversation as a means to avoid an argument.
But the problem is, these unspoken fractures eroded the very foundation of our relationship, because eventually, it became too much for him to have any sort of relationship with me.
All I did (inadvertently, of course) was add to the dysfunction every time I told myself we would talk about it later, or that he would come to me when he was through to the other side of whatever he was going through. In taking the “easy” path, I created a situation where I could never be honest about my thoughts and feelings for fear of him getting angry with me. In the end (at least up to now) I lost anyway.
Is it possible for there to be something between us? Who knows. I sent what I thought was a benign birthday text, respecting his boundaries yet still honoring him and my experience as his Mom. I didn’t get a response. It stung, of course, but it’s okay because I love him and he is my son, whether he and I ever share the same space again. He is a wonderful father, loving husband, and successful businessman. So even if I did everything wrong, I find peace in knowing that I had some hand in helping him become the man he is today. And I am proud of him. He is able to navigate his life, his way, and be happy doing it. What more could I want for my son?
It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Or, Bah Humbug.
I was walking Sunny through the neighborhood looking at all the Holiday decorations thinking, “wow it’s so beautiful out, and the houses look so warm and inviting.” I wonder if that’s the feeling inside the house? Of course the kids are excited; no school, holiday decorating, presents, friends, and family gatherings. For adults though, this can be such a stressful time of year.
The magic of the holiday season tends to go fast with what seems like a lot of expectations. Advertisers start bombarding us with the hot toys and gadgets of the season right after Halloween. We hop from trick or treat to “here’s my Christmas list.”
This got me thinking about such classic stories like “Scrooge” and “The Gift of the Magi” and which story feels like my last year.
There is always so much to be grateful for, this I know. But I gotta be honest: there are times when I am not feeling it. So…I thought I’d be much more reflective on this last year and really tap into HOW AM I FEELING at my deepest core. It’s been an interesting year with lots of opportunity, joy, tears (lots and lots of tears), new friendships, changes to old friendships and GROWTH. Thank God/Goddess for growth. It helps me make sense of my world. It seems like it’s always about HOW DO I BRING MY BEST SELF OUT INTO THE WORLD, be the best Mom, best friend, best co-worker? The list goes on and on. The one I neglect to look at first and foremost is how can I be the best to ME?
Looking at “me” - does that make me selfish? Does that make me self-centered? Does it mean my ego is out of control? You know what? IT DOES NOT! It actually helps me be better in all areas of my life, and to everyone I come in contact with. I will admit it has taken me a while to get comfortable putting myself first. It’s a strange concept because my life has always been about others. It also feels so freeing, and that’s a beautiful feeling. It’s liberating to know what truly feels right in my heart, say what I really feel (with love and discernment) and know I am honoring me. How can I be most authentic in my everyday life? Knowing some might be disappointed or angry with my decisions. So long as I stand in my most raw, vulnerable truth - it will be ok for me. I can better help others from this place.
Like Ebenezer, who all he needed to do was live from his heart, that’s the best I can do. Which is in turn the best gift I can give to myself and everyone else. It’s also the best gift I can receive from others.
So I guess both stories resonate with me. With 2 weeks until Christmas, I have much to be truly grateful for. The love of family and friends is my greatest blessing. I choose to see the magic in all things, the twinkling lights, Christmas trees waiting to be decorated, the bag of cinnamon pinecones and the glorious scent they give, the oohs and aahs of children seeing Santa, and the festive glow of this season.
I invite you to have a look back on this year. The good, the bad, and the ugly. What little changes or shifts can be made to help the season be a little more delightful? Where’s the magic in your world? And finally, the magic and miracles of life can be seen and felt everyday, because they are there. We just need to pay attention!
Wishing you a peaceful, joyous, and delicious holiday season!
Are you there, Self Worth? It’s me, Barbara.
Self worth…
Why does it seem so elusive? It’s like a summer breeze blowing by, leaving a faint smell of fragrant flowers. Yes I feel it…Oops it’s gone. Come back!!
The body, mind, heart, and spirit all require true self love and acceptance, yet they interact like a noisy bunch of dysfunctional family members, filled with conflicting thoughts and reactions.
How the heck do we get to the place of unwavering conviction, standing in the belief of “I AM WORTHY AND DESERVING JUST AS I AM.”
Why can’t we just envision, fantasize, and dream the best scenarios of life? Ah, because that would be too easy and we are not part of Earth School for the easy. We are part of a huge awakening. It takes commitment, perseverance, and resiliency. Above all, it takes love for self and others.
We put the cart before the horse, leaving us to wonder why life doesn’t always flow. And that’s not to say we can’t manifest, it just may not look like what we thought. But that’s a whole different blog post.
It ALWAYS comes back to self. To embody self in its purest Divine image is our first challenge. To embody I am worthy, I am deserving, I love me, I am perfect as I am is our biggest hurdle. Why? Because this is what we are here to do: to remember, to rediscover we are already perfect. All we need is within, lying silently, hoping we will have our aha! moment. That’s when the fun can begin!
So many of us chase what we think we need, externally. And there are plenty willing to help us, offering a course to fix this, a self help book to fix that, a podcast (or a thousand) featuring every expert on a certain topic, and Gurus and teachers a plenty. While they offer sage advice and wisdom, it’s up to us to ultimately guide ourselves back to our space of deep knowing. There isn’t anything easy or even pleasant about this inward excavation. But until we are willing to roll up our sleeves and dig deep, we will continually be challenged by life. The sooner we fall in love with self, (warts and all) the sooner we will no longer be subjected to what’s happening around us. When we can resource our own needs by going within, the outside world affects us less. When we shift from happening to me to happening for me, growth becomes inevitable.
Embodying self love affords us the ability to take that breath, and view the situation from a place of wondering, what’s here for me? That helps us stand grounded in love and compassion as opposed to just reacting.
We know where we’re going but how do we get there? There is no road map. Each journey back to self, is soul/spirit specific. Only our soul/spirit can lead us within. Lovingly, with gentleness and compassion, it waits for us. Lord knows there’s plenty of information on how to do it. A human could spend unlimited amounts of money and untold lifetimes trying to travel from the head to the heart. So what are we missing that this seems to be such a daunting task? Do we overthink it? Possibly. We definitely doubt ourselves. Then there’s the ego. The ego certainly loves the limelight, front and center, in control, leading the way down the same old path. The pied piper of the old dance, just a different day. The ego can take on many facets masked as emotions, inevitably keeping us from the alignment and peace we crave. When we take the journey to the heart, the ego is no longer the ring leader. It can then begin to facilitate what the heart wants, what the soul/spirit wants. The ego is a great co-pilot, once it feels safe, heard, and valued. It’s a terrible leader when it’s running the show. I liken it to a whirling dervish, just creating mayhem for the fun of it.
So our daily practice then becomes noticing what is happening within, keeping that awareness throughout the day. What do we notice happening inside while we are at work, hangry, picking the kids up from school, making dinner? You get the idea.
The morning is a wonderful time to ground, check in with heart, spirit/soul, mind and body. Once aligned and ready for the day, set the intention. And lastly, breathe. Breathe often, breathe deep. And breathe slow. The breath is such a powerful ally. Its ability to calm us is a gift we can experience as often as necessary, never ending and ever gratifying.
Hopefully, we then have an opportunity to experience life in its most beautiful form. The magic of nature, the interaction with another, a delicious cup of coffee, the laughter of children. Maybe we can even create the life we desire. Remembering always, it starts and ends with self.
Thoughts on yoga…
I originally wrote this in 2017, which feels like it was just yesterday. I recently stumbled across this piece and realized that everything I wrote then feels just as relevant to me today. Of course some of the information is a little outdated, but it still felt worth the share.
Happy Sunday, my lovelies! I am inspired to write this morning after reading an article from KiraGracem a yoga clothing company on a mission. For those of you who don’t know everything about me, I am a devotee of Yoga. I have been practicing for almost 30 years. Living in Boulder, Colorado, I have been fortunate to have access to the who’s who of Yoga.
Desiree Rumbough is a yoga teacher (and so much more) who was recommended to me by my first yoga teacher. It just never aligned. I’d see her name here and there and always let out a little sigh thinking about what I might have learned from her. But of course, it comes full circle! Here goes:
KiraGrace hosts an Empowering Women Interview Series. I’ve missed the first three, but today’s interview was with none other than Desiree Rumbough, so of course it was exactly what I needed to read.
These are her words:
“When I can do the work to feel my emotions and then transform my mental state from one of negativity…to a lighter place of courage, joy, hope, or acceptance, I feel empowered. I also feel a bit empowered when occasionally I find my balance in a handstand.”
How on-point is that?! For me, much like for Desiree, it’s my yoga mat; as long as I can get to my mat, I know I won’t implode. When, for whatever reason, I don’t make it to my mat, I know I’m in trouble. I’ve had some of my best breakdowns in Down Dog, uncontrollable nose running and tears streaming. Embarrassing? Yes. But it happens, and yoga is the doorway for me. I will always feel better, even if it takes awhile to make the shift. I think the key to the doorway is to get out of the way and let out what is deep within, lying patiently. That’s what happens when I'm on my mat. My body is in charge in a very fluid and organic way. My brain gets to take a little nap and my soul can speak in the form of practice. It’s really quite beautiful, and until this moment I don’t think I’ve realized just how beautiful.
Yoga is not for everyone, I know that. What I think is important, is to make the space for yourself to search for your own yoga, your own place to come back to self.
I believe we are all here to make ourselves and others feel stronger, more confident, more empowered, and to use our power for the greater good of humanity. Not to take it away. Not to make you feel less than, imperfect, like a thing in need of fixing. You and I together can do wonderful things. It starts with me, going deep, excavating, unearthing the pearls of wisdom and sharing what I learn so maybe it won’t be as challenging for you.
Ageism, part deux: the crone.
The Wikipedia definition of crone is: “the stock character in folklore and fairy tale, an old woman. In some stories she is disagreeable, malicious or sinister in manner, often with magical or supernatural associations that can make her either helpful or obstructing. The Crone is also an archetypal figure, a Wise Woman. As a character type, the crone shares characteristics with the hag.”
I decided to look up Crone images. Here is my personal favorite:
She’s called “Whiney Crone” — seriously?!
Am I over 60? Yes! Am I a hag? Hell no! I consider myself to be a vital, vibrant, and relevant woman of a certain age. I have lived a life of ups and downs, triumphs and disappointments, some major “ugh” moments and some “wow, I’m glad I did that” moments. I’m at a place where I’m okay with all of it. I’m certainly not done living, learning, or sharing. I still have desires, passions, dreams, and hopes. The gift of age is wisdom, and I am happy knowing and embracing that this is my life and I get to live it my way. It has taken me a long time to get to this place…so many years of living the life of others, the life I thought I was supposed to be living. But I never fully committed to any of it, because I wasn’t in it for the right reasons.
As I look back though, there isn’t a thing I would change. After all, it has brought me to where I am now. I would like to pass along what I’ve learned, although I’m not sure there is any easy way around our individual journeys. The wisdom we gather along the way is a priceless gift for the small price of growing older each year. And let’s face it, there isn’t any other way.
I remember turning 60 on September 20, 2016 and feeling this huge sense of liberation, almost like I had crossed a special bridge. Not everyone feels this way. For some it’s OLD. I don’t feel old because I can still do everything I did in my 30’s. The difference is now, if I don’t want to do something, I just don’t.
I don’t feel like I’m in my 60’s, not that I have any idea how that’s “supposed” to feel. I just know that Whiney Crone is not a fair representation of me. I am determined to embrace this time of my life with joy, passion, and vitality. For me, this is a beginning. I am beginning to truly listen to my intuition and truly listen to my hard-earned wisdom. I am beginning to ask myself what I really want to create, what I really want to experience. It can be a little daunting, but it’s also really exciting to be the Mistress of My Own Universe. I refuse to believe I can’t have a new career, a passionate and loving relationship, travel the world, learn a new skill, or whatever else my heart desires.
There are plenty of women who feel as I do. Women who are enjoying the heck out of life. Still working, creating, and living. Yes, we are the elders, but sometimes the old folks are loving life more than younger folks are.
Here is my advice: don’t wait to feel liberated. Practice; it takes a while to figure out what liberated feels like for you. Do things to embrace the magic of you, as often as you can. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Take care of yourself, treat yourself, nurture yourself…often and however you can. Allow the beauty within you to shine out, radiate the essence of what makes you unique in this world. There isn’t any reason to dread the aging process, because the gifts are far greater than we could even imagine. Be open to the gifts.
So yes, I am a crone, a Modern-Day Crone. I am beautiful, wise, and ready to be the best version of myself until I run out of days to live. I wish I had known then what I know now. I spent too much time thinking I wasn’t enough, worrying about what others think about me. It never really mattered.
I want every woman to know she is perfect. She is everything.
I think Yogi Bhajan says it so eloquently:
“If a woman sits with folded hands in her lap for a few minutes every day, and she feels she is a container so vast that she contains the whole Universe, she will never feel weak or have any problems. There is nothing beyond woman except God.”
The older I get, the more wisdom I accumulate. The more I know, the more I can share. I am here to spread the word of the Modern-Day Crone. Life is beautiful at any and every age.
Now this is more like it!
Glinda says it so it must be true.
It all begins with an idea.
“You’ve always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.”
- Glinda the Good Witch to Dorothy
The Wizard of Oz
I think with all the Spiritual Teachings saturating our world these days, we have forgotten that we’ve always had the power. It’s wonderful that there are all sorts of teachings, practices, and philosophies but we must remember that the deep knowing lies within.
How much is too much? How much devotion to teachers, mentors, and gurus is too much? At what point does their influence impact our ability to discern? We come into this world with intuition. But like all gifts, it needs to be used; the more we use it, the more fine-tuned it becomes. Very rarely as children are we prompted to use our intuition; more often children are prompted to use logic, problem solving skills, more ego-centered, dense, 3rd dimensional skills. While it’s necessary to acquire these skills, I’d venture a guess that our honed skill of relying on our intuition ranks right up there as number one in terms of importance.
I listened to a podcast featuring Neale Donald Walsch, author of Conversations with God. In it, he talks about how we come into this world perfect, not needing to learn anything. Imagine believing, embracing, and living from that place of knowing we have everything we need, seeking only the opportunity to experience. What happens to us that we get so far from there? Lost, searching externally, spending buckets of money buying into someone we believe knows more than we do. Guess what? That's so far from the truth. No one knows more about you than you!
What we must listen to is our inner wisdom, the beating of our hearts, the whispers only nature can provide. The answers are there, quietly waiting for you.
Does it help to seek outside of ourselves? Of course it does, but discernment is paramount. Knowing that the truth you seek is a compilation of varying thoughts you hear, read, interpret and form as your truth. Take what makes sense and leave the rest. Above all, don't drink anyone’s Kool-aid, even when it may taste good and feel right. I am going to bet you have all the answers you seek. You have the emotional, spiritual, and innate intelligence to know that it’s always right there, just waiting.
We must clear out the voices that swirl uncontrollably around in our heads saying the same things:
I don’t know.
This is never going to get better.
I am not enough.
I am not worthy.
While situations may be less than desirable, our perception certainly impacts how we move through this life. Keeping an open and optimistic heart, a sense of childlike curiosity, and compassion can do nothing but help. Above all, we must truly love ourselves, with all our bumps and bruises. After all, they just contribute to our uniqueness, help us to be accepting of others, understanding that we are all one - connected by the thread of the Divine.
Keep the spark, know that you are perfect, and clear out the mucky muck. Reframe these situations as just experiences, not bad, not good. Just experiences.
I’ve just had to do this myself and I can say it wasn’t fun. My ego was bruised and my feelings were hurt. I allowed myself time to sit with all of the emotions, but now it's time to switch the paradigm of that experience to something more neutral; I don’t need to judge myself or the situation. The only way I know to do this is to get quiet and listen for my deepest knowing to heal me, love me. This allows me to surrender, almost like a reboot. Shake it off. Take what will serve me, leave the rest, and kiss it good-bye. Just another experience.
Time to sing, dance, smell the flowers, and above all: continue to participate, connect, and experience all this awesome life has in store for me.
Please understand, this is not to take lightly that some situations are truly dire and require more than a walk in the woods. Know thyself, listen to thyself, and act from there. Seek out help. Mainstream and alternative modalities can provide help and support through the darkest of times.
Tired of our own bullshit.
It all begins with an idea.
“I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit”
- Elizabeth Gilbert
As women, we go through constant changes that we may not be paying attention to. We are nurturers, caregivers, and most awesome multi-taskers. Because, let’s face it, we are responsible for keeping many moving parts forward on a daily basis. The one thing we neglect the most is (you guessed it) ourselves. So counterintuitive.
By the time we realize, “oh shit, I have no idea who I am,” we can be so far down the rabbit hole we don’t even know which way is up. And then what? Climb out, ignore it, pretend all is right?
For me, this happened when I was 59. I had just signed my divorce papers. I had been working with my ex throughout our marriage and the 7 years we were separated. One month after the divorce was finalized, I knew working together was not going to work for me. So, I closed my computer and walked out of our office.
No job. No man. No direction. It was too much to deal with. I allowed myself a year to wallow. With a couple exceptions. I went to Bali, and after 15 years of being a devoted yoga student, I decided to get my yoga teaching certification. I did not have any intention of becoming a yoga teacher, but I needed some direction, and the teacher training held me accountable and kept me grounded. Honestly, all I wanted to do was crawl into a cave.
I sat and reflected on questions of who am I? and what do I want my life to look like? and I can honestly say I HAD NO IDEA. Scary, right? I spent all my life doing and being for others. A dutiful daughter, a wife (three times), an ex-wife (three times), a business partner, and most importantly a mother. Let’s face it, we can spend our entire lives living in that mother role.
Even though I didn’t know who or what I wanted to be, I knew that living vicariously through my kids was a pitfall I was choosing to avoid. I knew I wanted to live my own fulfilled life. I knew I wanted healthy relationships with my kids. And I knew I wanted them to be proud of me, not feel sorry for me.
Who is Barb? She is a work in progress. She is honoring the bumps and bruises, uncovering layer by layer to get to the pearl buried deep.
Here’s what I know for sure. I love being a mom and I will always be a mom. If and when they need me, I will be there. All of my experiences have contributed to the woman I am today. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. If I don’t consciously choose to live my life, before I know it, it will be over. The years fly by and I refuse to waste them. I embrace who I am and where I’m going. I am choosing to live my full expression of who I am, bringing forth my radiance, essence, and inner beauty every day.
This is not just my story. This is every woman’s story. The names and circumstances change, but the crossroads are there for us all.
Life is a journey. The journey never ends. And the best is yet to come.
Let’s talk about ageism, baby.
It all begins with an idea.
Ageism is real and it sucks.
I believe it’s worse for women than for men.
Every woman of a certain age is in control of her thoughts around ageism.
It is time for a serious shift of perspective.
We are vital, vibrant, radiant, sexual, sensual, and relevant. We have passion, desires and under no circumstances should we ever be dismissed as yesterday's news.
The time has come for women to dig deep and discover who they are now that the roles of yesterday have been satisfied. There is a treasure trove of innate wisdom within you, just waiting to be acknowledged. You may have felt it before. It can appear as a gnawing, a yearning, or even an angst that just won’t stop. This last year we have been spending a lot more time alone in quiet stillness. This has been such a gift, the perfect time to percolate new thoughts and get to know yourself as you are now. We get to take all the years spent doing and integrate all those beautiful threads into the tapestry of our life. It’s really exciting to think about all that you’ve accumulated over the first 5 or 6 decades, and decide what thoughts you keep and what will go in the dead file. You get to decide how you live the rest of your life, your way.
If we didn’t have to see any more beauty ads, apply for jobs, find a mate, look 25 years younger, or have a body that’s tight, a booty that’s firm and a belly that’s flat, we’d be loving life. There is so much external bullshit being hurled our way.
It’s so difficult to stay present in the crone zone.
Consider this your invitation to say “no thank you” to the crone zone, to this notion that all women of a certain age are the old, nasty crone from Snow White personified. That’s certainly not my truth. My truth is that any woman who owns all that she is - her whole perfectly imperfect self, her loose skin, her wrinkles or botox, her grey or dyed hair, her jeans and a graphic tee or her St. John’s wear - is honoring her journey of life.
There is only one way to avoid aging and it’s called dying. It’s an honor to get older. While I don’t think every human is ready to get behind me on this, I do think every woman is. There’s an inner peace and contentment when you can just be and be happy just being. When we have the ability to reflect on our unique individual journey, all the twists and turns, the perceived mistakes that were blessings in disguise, everything that has led us to where we are today...well it’s freaking amazing and wonderous. Our journey continues through twists and turns. Hopefully we make fewer mistakes, but maybe not. Life is beautiful, and messy, and fun, and an adventure just waiting for us. And that journey is not over just because we have been walking this Earth a little longer than some.
As Mary Oliver asks in her poem “Summer Days”,
Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
I say live it until you can’t. Live it with grace, humor, and an open heart. Maybe you’ll be blessed with a few like-minded friends with whom you can get together, a loving family, a hobby or two, and memories that make you smile.
I want my Spirit to be so happy she was in this body that there’s a party, just for her, waiting on the other side.
So women of a certain age - are you ready to reframe, reshape, and break the Ageism mold?
Welcome!
It all begins with an idea.
Major shifts are happening on a planetary level at quantum speed. It all trickles down to each of us individually and collectively. Many of us are questioning our views on what constitutes a successful life. And with good reason. The pandemic has brought to light that working remotely is pretty awesome. Many feel more productive and more present with partners, kids, friends, and family. The flip side is the disconnectedness, solitude, and uncertainty about how to navigate this new paradigm.
Change can be daunting. But it doesn’t have to be. All that’s required is a willingness to look with fresh eyes at what the future could hold and having a space to explore all the thoughts taking center-stage with love and compassion, both for the thoughts and for yourself. You are then free to navigate potential scenarios with objectivity, clarity, and maybe even some excitement. All you need is the desire to see life from a different perspective. Not right or wrong, just different.
I will hold space for you to unearth all that is ready to be mined, helping you craft your jewel of a life.
If you can dream it, you can create it! It’s a cliche for a reason.