DAD
We’ve all heard the quote, “when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” While sage advice, sometimes that advice is hard to swallow. The bitter taste and tartness can linger. Until, maybe, you have the chance to sit and reflect.
Okay, you might need a little backstory first…here goes:
My youngest daughter for a long time was convinced there were ethnicities other than Italian in our family tree. Knowing nothing of my father’s side of the family, I couldn’t say for sure. So when Ancestry was running a promotion, I took the bait and purchased a kit. I fully expected the results to be a “I told you so” kind of moment; “see Rach I told you I was Italian!” Imagine my surprise when the results showed I am 65% Italian, 30% Greek, and 5% German. Greek! Well how cool is that! Granted Italy and Greece might not be much of a stretch; both are surrounded by water, so traveling by boat the ancestors met and had babies and there you go. I shared the information with my kids and a few close to me, put it on the back burner and went back to life.
About a week later, I got an email from someone who had also done a test. She was looking for a distant cousin and wondered if I had any information. I answered her question and off I went.
I then realized I had messages from a woman that I knew immediately was a much closer relative. You see, I didn’t have a relationship with my father. He and my mom split when I was probably a toddler and from then to the age of about 25, I can count on my hands the number of times I saw him. Even as a young child I knew that there was a deep love between my parents and I had always hoped they would rekindle. I also knew he had another whole family that he lived with, which included a daughter. So when I read the messages, I knew who she was. I responded, we chatted, and she sounded like a lovely person and I have no doubt we will be friends and develop a sister bond. Finally, I had some point of reference to my father, I had someone I could ask questions about health history, what he liked, and anything else that pops up. Cool right? Yes, eventually.
While we were on the phone an unexpected overwhelming sense of grief ripped me apart. I cried like I have never cried. I cried for the love, support, and attention I never received from him. I cried for all the parties involved and for all the pain experienced. I cried for how much harder my mom’s life was, how much harder my life was. I cried for all the years I thought him a weak man and I cried for how angry I was at him for being so weak. I had spent many years processing my anger towards him, and accepted long ago that he did the best he could. But the sadness, pain, and grief…wow, I didn’t expect that. I quickly realized that these feelings (unbeknownst to me) have affected every aspect of my life; every thought about myself, what I deserve, my worth, every relationship with partners, my kids, my ability to trust (ha that’s a joke) to believe, and feel safe. I never experienced a loving interaction between a man and a woman, a mom and dad. So me being a resourceful girl, I made up my own story of how it should look and guess what - it NEVER looked like my story. Quite the opposite.
I could go on and on but this is not where I choose to dwell. This week has shown me where some of my deepest wounds are buried. Now it’s up to me to heal, hold, love, and befriend the pain. I get to integrate these shadows with my light and should I ever be blessed to be in a happy, healthy relationship, may I bring my very best self. This has been my greatest wish and I now know without this week it would have been harder because these wounds would have presented in some other mysterious way. Hopefully I’ll be carrying a little less baggage, traveling a little lighter and open to this joyful life I get to create.
Given this Full Moon and Lunar Eclipse and what it’s asking of us, it feels like I have been given the biggest Divine Gift! Thank you, Dad! I wish we were able to have a relationship in this lifetime. That’s not going to be my focus though. My focus is on loving myself and others deeper, healing my heart, and enjoying my newfound family.
