Ageism, part deux: the crone.

The Wikipedia definition of crone is: “the stock character in folklore and fairy tale, an old woman. In some stories she is disagreeable, malicious or sinister in manner, often with magical or supernatural associations that can make her either helpful or obstructing. The Crone is also an archetypal figure, a Wise Woman. As a character type, the crone shares characteristics with the hag.”

I decided to look up Crone images. Here is my personal favorite:

She’s called “Whiney Crone” — seriously?!

Am I over 60? Yes! Am I a hag? Hell no! I consider myself to be a vital, vibrant, and relevant woman of a certain age. I have lived a life of ups and downs, triumphs and disappointments, some major “ugh” moments and some “wow, I’m glad I did that” moments. I’m at a place where I’m okay with all of it. I’m certainly not done living, learning, or sharing. I still have desires, passions, dreams, and hopes. The gift of age is wisdom, and I am happy knowing and embracing that this is my life and I get to live it my way. It has taken me a long time to get to this place…so many years of living the life of others, the life I thought I was supposed to be living. But I never fully committed to any of it, because I wasn’t in it for the right reasons.

As I look back though, there isn’t a thing I would change. After all, it has brought me to where I am now. I would like to pass along what I’ve learned, although I’m not sure there is any easy way around our individual journeys. The wisdom we gather along the way is a priceless gift for the small price of growing older each year. And let’s face it, there isn’t any other way.

I remember turning 60 on September 20, 2016 and feeling this huge sense of liberation, almost like I had crossed a special bridge. Not everyone feels this way. For some it’s OLD. I don’t feel old because I can still do everything I did in my 30’s. The difference is now, if I don’t want to do something, I just don’t.

I don’t feel like I’m in my 60’s, not that I have any idea how that’s “supposed” to feel. I just know that Whiney Crone is not a fair representation of me. I am determined to embrace this time of my life with joy, passion, and vitality. For me, this is a beginning. I am beginning to truly listen to my intuition and truly listen to my hard-earned wisdom. I am beginning to ask myself what I really want to create, what I really want to experience. It can be a little daunting, but it’s also really exciting to be the Mistress of My Own Universe. I refuse to believe I can’t have a new career, a passionate and loving relationship, travel the world, learn a new skill, or whatever else my heart desires.

There are plenty of women who feel as I do. Women who are enjoying the heck out of life. Still working, creating, and living. Yes, we are the elders, but sometimes the old folks are loving life more than younger folks are.

Here is my advice: don’t wait to feel liberated. Practice; it takes a while to figure out what liberated feels like for you. Do things to embrace the magic of you, as often as you can. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Take care of yourself, treat yourself, nurture yourself…often and however you can. Allow the beauty within you to shine out, radiate the essence of what makes you unique in this world. There isn’t any reason to dread the aging process, because the gifts are far greater than we could even imagine. Be open to the gifts.

So yes, I am a crone, a Modern-Day Crone. I am beautiful, wise, and ready to be the best version of myself until I run out of days to live. I wish I had known then what I know now. I spent too much time thinking I wasn’t enough, worrying about what others think about me. It never really mattered.

I want every woman to know she is perfect. She is everything.

I think Yogi Bhajan says it so eloquently:

“If a woman sits with folded hands in her lap for a few minutes every day, and she feels she is a container so vast that she contains the whole Universe, she will never feel weak or have any problems. There is nothing beyond woman except God.”

The older I get, the more wisdom I accumulate. The more I know, the more I can share. I am here to spread the word of the Modern-Day Crone. Life is beautiful at any and every age.

Now this is more like it!

Glinda says it so it must be true.

“You’ve always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.”

- Glinda the Good Witch to Dorothy

 The Wizard of Oz

I think with all the Spiritual Teachings saturating our world these days, we have forgotten that we’ve always had the power. It’s wonderful that there are all sorts of teachings, practices, and philosophies but we must remember that the deep knowing lies within.

How much is too much? How much devotion to teachers, mentors, and gurus is too much? At what point does their influence impact our ability to discern? We come into this world with intuition. But like all gifts, it needs to be used; the more we use it, the more fine-tuned it becomes. Very rarely as children are we prompted to use our intuition; more often children are prompted to use logic, problem solving skills, more ego-centered, dense, 3rd dimensional skills. While it’s necessary to acquire these skills, I’d venture a guess that our honed skill of relying on our intuition ranks right up there as number one in terms of importance.

I listened to a podcast featuring Neale Donald Walsch, author of Conversations with God. In it, he talks about how we come into this world perfect, not needing to learn anything. Imagine believing, embracing, and living from that place of knowing we have everything we need, seeking only the opportunity to experience. What happens to us that we get so far from there? Lost, searching externally, spending buckets of money buying into someone we believe knows more than we do. Guess what? That's so far from the truth. No one knows more about you than you!

What we must listen to is our inner wisdom, the beating of our hearts, the whispers only nature can provide. The answers are there, quietly waiting for you. 

Does it help to seek outside of ourselves? Of course it does, but discernment is paramount. Knowing that the truth you seek is a compilation of varying thoughts you hear, read, interpret and form as your truth. Take what makes sense and leave the rest. Above all, don't drink anyone’s Kool-aid, even when it may taste good and feel right. I am going to bet you have all the answers you seek. You have the emotional, spiritual, and innate intelligence to know that it’s always right there, just waiting. 

We must clear out the voices that swirl uncontrollably around in our heads saying the same things:

I don’t know.

This is never going to get better.

I am not enough.

I am not worthy.

While situations may be less than desirable, our perception certainly impacts how we move through this life. Keeping an open and optimistic heart, a sense of childlike curiosity, and compassion can do nothing but help. Above all, we must truly love ourselves, with all our bumps and bruises. After all, they just contribute to our uniqueness, help us to be accepting of others, understanding that we are all one - connected by the thread of the Divine.

Keep the spark, know that you are perfect, and clear out the mucky muck. Reframe these situations as just experiences, not bad, not good. Just experiences. 

I’ve just had to do this myself and I can say it wasn’t fun. My ego was bruised and my feelings were hurt. I allowed myself time to sit with all of the emotions, but now it's time to switch the paradigm of that experience to something more neutral; I don’t need to judge myself or the situation. The only way I know to do this is to get quiet and listen for my deepest knowing to heal me, love me. This allows me to surrender, almost like a reboot. Shake it off. Take what will serve me, leave the rest, and kiss it good-bye. Just another experience.

Time to sing, dance, smell the flowers, and above all: continue to participate, connect, and experience all this awesome life has in store for me. 

Please understand, this is not to take lightly that some situations are truly dire and require more than a walk in the woods. Know thyself, listen to thyself, and act from there. Seek out help. Mainstream and alternative modalities can provide help and support through the darkest of times.

Tired of our own bullshit.

“I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting tired of their own bullshit”

- Elizabeth Gilbert

As women, we go through constant changes that we may not be paying attention to. We are nurturers, caregivers, and most awesome multi-taskers. Because, let’s face it, we are responsible for keeping many moving parts forward on a daily basis. The one thing we neglect the most is (you guessed it) ourselves. So counterintuitive. 

By the time we realize, “oh shit, I have no idea who I am,” we can be so far down the rabbit hole we don’t even know which way is up. And then what? Climb out, ignore it, pretend all is right? 

For me, this happened when I was 59. I had just signed my divorce papers. I had been working with my ex throughout our marriage and the 7 years we were separated. One month after the divorce was finalized, I knew working together was not going to work for me. So, I closed my computer and walked out of our office. 

No job. No man. No direction. It was too much to deal with. I allowed myself a year to wallow. With a couple exceptions. I went to Bali, and after 15 years of being a devoted yoga student, I decided to get my yoga teaching certification. I did not have any intention of becoming a yoga teacher, but I needed some direction, and the teacher training held me accountable and kept me grounded. Honestly, all I wanted to do was crawl into a cave. 

I sat and reflected on questions of who am I? and what do I want my life to look like? and I can honestly say I HAD NO IDEA. Scary, right? I spent all my life doing and being for others. A dutiful daughter, a wife (three times), an ex-wife (three times), a business partner, and most importantly a mother. Let’s face it, we can spend our entire lives living in that mother role. 

Even though I didn’t know who or what I wanted to be, I knew that living vicariously through my kids was a pitfall I was choosing to avoid. I knew I wanted to live my own fulfilled life. I knew I wanted healthy relationships with my kids. And I knew I wanted them to be proud of me, not feel sorry for me. 

Who is Barb? She is a work in progress. She is honoring the bumps and bruises, uncovering layer by layer to get to the pearl buried deep. 

Here’s what I know for sure. I love being a mom and I will always be a mom. If and when they need me, I will be there. All of my experiences have contributed to the woman I am today. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. If I don’t consciously choose to live my life, before I know it, it will be over. The years fly by and I refuse to waste them. I embrace who I am and where I’m going. I am choosing to live my full expression of who I am, bringing forth my radiance, essence, and inner beauty every day.

This is not just my story. This is every woman’s story. The names and circumstances change, but the crossroads are there for us all. 

Life is a journey. The journey never ends. And the best is yet to come.

Let’s talk about ageism, baby.

1. Ageism is real and it sucks.

2. I believe it’s worse for women than for men.

3. Every woman of a certain age is in control of her thoughts around ageism.

4. It is time for a serious shift of perspective.

5. We are vital, vibrant, radiant, sexual, sensual, and relevant. We have passion, desires and under no circumstances should we ever be dismissed as yesterday's news.

The time has come for women to dig deep and discover who they are now that the roles of yesterday have been satisfied. There is a treasure trove of innate wisdom within you, just waiting to be acknowledged. You may have felt it before. It can appear as a gnawing, a yearning, or even an angst that just won’t stop. This last year we have been spending a lot more time alone in quiet stillness. This has been such a gift, the perfect time to percolate new thoughts and get to know yourself as you are now. We get to take all the years spent doing and integrate all those beautiful threads into the tapestry of our life. It’s really exciting to think about all that you’ve accumulated over the first 5 or 6 decades, and decide what thoughts you keep and what will go in the dead file. You get to decide how you live the rest of your life, your way.

If we didn’t have to see any more beauty ads, apply for jobs, find a mate, look 25 years younger, or have a body that’s tight, a booty that’s firm and a belly that’s flat, we’d be loving life. There is so much external bullshit being hurled our way. 

It’s so difficult to stay present in the crone zone. 

Consider this your invitation to say “no thank you” to the crone zone, to this notion that all women of a certain age are the old, nasty crone from Snow White personified. That’s certainly not my truth. My truth is that any woman who owns all that she is  - her whole perfectly imperfect self, her loose skin, her wrinkles or botox, her grey or dyed hair, her jeans and a graphic tee or her St. John’s wear - is honoring her journey of life. 

There is only one way to avoid aging and it’s called dying. It’s an honor to get older. While I don’t think every human is ready to get behind me on this, I do think every woman is. There’s an inner peace and contentment when you can just be and be happy just being. When we have the ability to reflect on our unique individual journey, all the twists and turns, the perceived mistakes that were blessings in disguise, everything that has led us to where we are today...well it’s freaking amazing and wonderous. Our journey continues through twists and turns. Hopefully we make fewer mistakes, but maybe not. Life is beautiful, and messy, and fun, and an adventure just waiting for us. And that journey is not over just because we have been walking this Earth a little longer than some.

 As Mary Oliver asks in her poem “Summer Days”, 

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? 

I say live it until you can’t. Live it with grace, humor, and an open heart. Maybe you’ll be blessed with a few like-minded friends with whom you can get together, a loving family, a hobby or two, and memories that make you smile.

 I want my Spirit to be so happy she was in this body that there’s a party, just for her, waiting on the other side.

So women of a certain age - are you ready to reframe, reshape, and break the Ageism mold?

Welcome!

Major shifts are happening on a planetary level at quantum speed. It all trickles down to each of us individually and collectively. Many of us are questioning our views on what constitutes a successful life. And with good reason. The pandemic has brought to light that working remotely is pretty awesome. Many feel more productive and more present with partners, kids, friends, and family. The flip side is the disconnectedness, solitude, and uncertainty about how to navigate this new paradigm.

Change can be daunting. But it doesn’t have to be. All that’s required is a willingness to look with fresh eyes at what the future could hold and having a space to explore all the thoughts taking center-stage with love and compassion, both for the thoughts and for yourself. You are then free to navigate potential scenarios with objectivity, clarity, and maybe even some excitement. All you need is the desire to see life from a different perspective. Not right or wrong, just different. 

I will hold space for you to unearth all that is ready to be mined, helping you craft your jewel of a life. 

If you can dream it, you can create it! It’s a cliche for a reason.